


General Staff

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Blackadder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-25
Updated: 2003-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-25 07:14:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1638380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bottoms up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	General Staff

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Hader

 

 

Spoilers: "Major Star"  
Disclaimer: I don't own the universe and characters. I'm just playing with them. 

General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett looked up from his expansive desk as Captain Kevin Darling poked his head in the door. 

"Yes, Darling?" 

"Lieutenant St. Banleigh to see you, Sir." 

"Splendid!" the General roared. "Send him in, Darling." 

Melchett made his way around the desk as the Lieutenant entered, snapped sharply to attention, saluted, and announced, "Lieutenant the Honorable George Colthurst St. Banleigh reporting for duty, Sir!" 

By the time George completed his name the General had completed the circumnavigation of his desk and returned the salute. "George, my boy! Good to see you! At ease, man, at ease." 

George fluttered into a more relaxed posture. "Thank you, Sir. Splendiferous as always to see you again." 

"And how goes the war in the trenches, George?" 

"Excellent, Sir, couldn't be better. Giving old Gerry the right old boot, Sir." 

"Glad to hear it, glad to hear it. Any word from home?" 

"Just received a letter from Uncle Rory, Sir." 

"And how is the Minister?" 

"Busy busy busy, what with this war and all. Give me Gerries in the trenches over back-benchers in Whitehall any day." 

"Good, good. I spoke to your Aunt Henrietta at Field Marshall Hague's dinner party the other night. A fine, fine woman. She sends her regards." 

"Thank you, Sir. Very kind of you to pass the word personally." 

"Don't mention it, George. Actually, I called you here for another reason." 

"I'm all ears, eyes, and nipples, Sir!" 

"Yes, quite. Your Aunt Henrietta was showing me some snappies of you. 'Quite a handsome young man,' I remarked." 

"Permission to blush and go all a-twitter, Sir?" 

"Granted." 

George blushed and twittered. 

"Seeing those snappies of you, I was reminded of my dear lost Georgina. Uncanny resemblance." 

George shifted uneasily. "Remarkable, uh, coincidence, Sir." 

"And then it dawned on me..." 

George cringed and shrunk back. 

"...perhaps you and I could have a bit of a shag?" 

Puzzlement replaced fear on George's face. "Sir?" 

"After all, you're a fair-faced, not-excessively-masculine young man, and I'm a robust gentleman with a bushy moustache." 

"The bushiest, Sir. I've always admired the bushiness of your moustache." 

"Why, thank you, George. Shall we have at it, then?" 

"Nothing could make me giddier, Sir." 

"Darling!" the General bellowed. 

Captain Darling poked his head in. "Yes, Sir?" 

"See that I'm not disturbed." 

"Yes, Sir." Darling withdrew his head soundlessly and closed the door soundly. 

"Shall I drop trou, General?" George asked. 

"Yes, yes, why don't you. Let's have a look-see at those admirably pert buttocks of yours." 

George lowered his pants and presented his rear for inspection. The General nodded his head to the left and chuckled in approval. 

"Why, George, your bottom is as smooth and soft as, as, well, as a baby's bottom." 

"Thank you, Sir. I use my Aunt Melodia's secret moisturizing cream recipe." 

"The admirable woman knows her cream." 

"Indeed she does, Sir. 'Treat your buttocks as you would have them treat you,' she has often admonished me." 

"Wiser words were never spoken." 

"Will you be having me bent over your desk, Sir, or up against the wall?" 

"Oh, the wall, definitely, the wall." 

"Very good, Sir." 

"Wouldn't happen to have some of that wonder cream on you, would you now?" 

"Wouldn't go a step without it, Sir. Right trouser pocket." 

"Ah, very good, very good," replied the General, unzipping. "Keep your lorry wheels and your officer's club well-oiled, I always say." 

"Very good, Sir. I await the Push." 

"Right, then. Bottom's up!" 

George squealed as the General entered him. "Why, General, your desk and moustache are insignificant compared to your staff, Sir. Permission to howl in ecstasy?" 

"Granted." 

"Oh! Oh! God Save The King! Oh, Sir, Oh! I feel as stuffed as a Christmas goose!" 

"Oh!" Melchett bellowed, "Oh, darling!" 

Captain Darling poked his head in. "Yes, Sir?" 

"What! I said I wasn't to be disturbed!" 

"Sorry, Sir, but-" 

"Get out at once, Darling!" 

"General!" George bawled, in tears. "Man is the cruelest sex!" 

"What's wrong with you, man? We're not finished!" 

"Really, Sir?" George asked hopefully. 

"Absolutely. Charge!" 

"Oh, Dear Lord, Oh, Sir!" 

"Oh darling!" 

"Yes, Sir?" 

"Get out!" 

"Sorry, Sir." 

"Oh, Sir, I'm giddy as a Limey on shore leave with a fistful of condoms wrapped in fivers!" 

Captain Darling poked his head in. "My apologies, Sir, but Captain Blackadder is here to see you." 

"Bugger him!" the General bellowed. 

"Excuse me, Sir?" 

**"BUGGER HIM!"**

"Captain Blackadder, General?" 

"Who the damn else would I be talking about? Bugger him!" 

"Yes, Sir," Captain Darling replied forlornly, closing the door and unzipping his fly. 

"Oh!" cried George, "Over the Top! Over the Top!" 

 


End file.
